


Small Steps

by ArgentShiroi



Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Acceptance, F/F, Forgiveness, Hate to Love, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2020-01-15 01:36:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18488611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArgentShiroi/pseuds/ArgentShiroi
Summary: Series of ficlets that tell a story of forgiveness and acceptance between Cora and Sarissa from Leusinia to end-game.





	1. Counting

**Author's Note:**

> These are loosely connected ficlets or short one-shots that I wrote when I hit the wall with longer fics. I'm currently editing # 7 of 17 and the main story line is complete. There is slowly building romance between Cora and Sarissa and mentions and/or hints of other pairings. The focus is on Cora/Sarissa, soulmates trope with a twist that is revealed in the first part.  
> This starts around end-game, spoilers to the end and mentions of side-missions. Feel free to request anything. I prefer SFW, though ^^

The temporary command bridge of the ark Leusinia was 116 steps long and 53 wide. The shortest route to med-bay and cryo pods took 487 steps. Distance to engineering from there was roughly 998 steps. If one climbed over all the rubble without mis-stepping or stumbling, it took 887 steps. Returning to the bridge took 428 steps and a short trip in zero-G.

The distance to one Cora Harper (and her Pathfinder) couldn’t be measured so easily. Sarissa knew which way they were heading but that was - thankfully - all.

“Would you stop pacing around already?” Annoyance was as poorly hidden as animosity. Sarissa sat down, obliging her captain’s request for now.

Soon, she would be up and walking, trying to find even shorter routes between their limited available places. The ark was in bad shape but it was moving towards Nexus, where Sarissa’s actions would be judged by more and more people. On the other hand, there would be more routes to walk, more steps to count in order to distract herself.

It was a future Sarissa needed to prepare for and accept that following months would be awful. She kept reminding herself that it was only few months, then she should have proven herself to everyone. What was few months or years to an asari, though?

Shame wasn’t something an asari commando like Sarissa couldn’t handle. There had been and would always be those who criticised her, saw fault in every breath she took. There were bigots who hated her for her race, or her biotic abilities as there were asaris who hated her for being better than them, for being able to make calls in hellish situations.

And there was Cora Harper, a woman she had let down, even betrayed, unknowingly. It should not feel so… heavy burden. Sarissa knew that countless asari commandos and trainees had read her texts. One single woman – a human who wouldn’t even live that long – was nothing.

Except it was lieutenant Harper.

Except it was everything.

Sarissa had been vaguely aware of an asari trait that was less known outside of their race. Sometimes asaris felt more connected to another being, their pair, for the lack of better term. It wasn’t well-researched or if it was, Sarissa didn’t know and wasn’t interested. Pairs were not destined to be forever or anything, but combability was superior to others. If the asari were a bit more romantic species, they might have had a culture where pairs were soulmates or something like that. Outside of the military, it might have been that. Who knew?

Sarissa did not care.

Researchers seemed to think that it’s subconscious way to detect someone with optimal genetics and personality. Half instinct, half science and difficult as hell because _the asari_ of the pair know it immediately. The other pair was almost never another asari – maybe to prevent _Ardat_ - _Yakshi –_ and had usually no similar abilities.

Sarissa was certain that having Cora Harper as her pair was Goddess’s way of punishing her. The asari Pathfinder knew that she deserved the punishment but she didn’t like it at all. She accepted it, of course. Leadership was all about accepting responsibility and not making excuses.

Cora hated her.

Even worse, Sarissa needed to try to build some sort of relationship at least. She felt a constant pull, like weak biotics, even with unmeasurable distance and could tell which direction Ryder’s ship was.

If she kept thinking about it too long, her insides seemed to lose gravity and move uncomfortably. Ship felt even colder than it was with sad ghost of life support. Even the observatory deck in its zero-g glory and no life-support left felt warmer. There she could feel residual biotics from the shield they had created together. It felt safe, warm and she felt like crying (it was impossible to cry in the space).

Sarissa got up. Some Pathfinder she was. Her crew needed reassurance that everything was going to be at least okay, that they were safe. Sarissa couldn’t provide even that.

Glances from others started to feel uncomfortable. Did they know? About Cora, about her new-found insecurities? Maybe she should check med-bay just in case? She counted her steps and took the long road that took her quite close to the deck. It was boring and tedious after so long but it kept nausea and dread in bay.

She had 189 steps left on her way to medbay and no answers.


	2. Advice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first part of miniseries - or at least kind of miniseries - in this collection.

Cora hissed as Lexi cleaned a deep cut that travelled over her knuckles before moving on her arm. The shirt was ruined. Parts of it had been fried with electricity and rest was covered in blood and cuts.

“How many angaran fighters did you challenge again?” Lexi asked softly yet her tone hinted worry. Cora swallowed, not feeling proud at all. Lexi’s tone made her feel like child in front of her mother. Lexi never scolded but she had awful ability to make her patients to it themselves.

“Three,” Cora replied, with perfect asari. She was relieved that Lexi had agreed without questions to use her preferred language. It felt just… easier. She was more comfortable around the asari doctor when they didn’t speak the common galactic language.

“Why?”

“You know why,” Cora hissed between her teeth. The disinfectant was stinging all over her hand. Those fighters had been fast with their firaans and electrical shocks weren’t nothing to laugh at either. Maybe a three-on-one hadn’t been her best idea. At least she had kept her wits and challenged people at the training centre.

“I know, but I think you should say it aloud,” Lexi hummed and took a bandage. Cuts could be dealt with medi-gel but Cora’s knuckles needed some time to heal properly. Medi-gel wasn't the answer to everything.

“I was angry,” Cora muttered reluctantly. She knew that Lexi was right. She needed to talk about this before it affected her ability to do her duty as Ryder’s second-in-command. To her annoyance, the knowledge didn’t make talking easier.

She still felt like she should be better, more in control of her emotions. She was a commando for goddess’s sake! Yet she had been feeling extremely out of control since they had saved Leusinia.

“At Pathfinder Theris?”

“I guess so.” Yes, at her, Cora wanted to reply. She didn’t.

“Why?”

“Because…” Cora struggled to find words. She didn’t know. Where to begin or why seeing Sarissa’s true colours had hurt so much. It was worse than finding out that Alex had chosen his _untrained, completely green, archaeologist_ daughter over her as his successor. Cora had been trained as an asari commando, which was only one of the most impressive fighter unit in the old galaxy. She had trained years and years and yet Alex had chosen to ignore it.

Alex had replaced her with a history geek. Her mentor had betrayed her and now it had happened again. It was unfair. She knew that life was never fair but surely the Goddess could give her a brief breather.

“Cora?” Lexi’s voice was soft. Her hand on her uninjured shoulder felt warm.

“I, uh, just…” Cora’s eyes and throat were burning but she refused to cry. She felt like she was filled with anger and frustration that she could not control. Lexi noticed it of course.

“Would you like some yelet?” Lexi starter preparing a cup for her without waiting for an answer. Cora knew it was for her sake. Speaking was easier when she couldn’t see Lexi’s expressions, when she could focus on something else than the asari who was listening.

“I feel betrayed. It’s stupid,” Cora began with thin voice and used this chance to wipe lone tear from the corner of her right eye. Even her body betrayed her.

“Your feelings are never stupid. You’re trying to reason rationally something you cannot. Again, if I may add.” Lexi smiled when she added the last part with dry humour. Cora had sought her out only few days after Alex’s death. Death of a team member always warranted at least one therapy meeting, but they also had semi-regular check-ups. The latter was slightly voluntary and some of the crew used that leeway to avoid Lexi. Cora knew that Peebee was still avoiding their doctor.

Cora chuckled, feeling a bit less tense. She liked Lexi. The asari woman was easy to talk to and she was sarcastic and smart. Cora sipped her yelet and was surprised to taste the burn of alcohol. Judging by the intensity, Lexi had chosen something that almost rivalled Ryncol.

“You said you bit your cheek,” Lexi defended when Cora looked at the asari quizzically.

“And you must have something more advanced than alcohol for that,” Cora pointed out. She didn’t mind at all, though. They were technically on shore leave.

Lexi smiled knowingly and raised her glass. She looked extremely pretty. No wonder Ryder had tried to flirt with her. If Cora had liked asaris, she might have asked her out too. Well, if they weren’t on the same ship. She didn’t wish to have relationship with her crew mate either.

“I have but we were planning to go for drinks on the next leave. You probably don’t feel like going out now, so why not have that drink here?”

“I’ll drink to that,” Cora raised her class. Lexi changed the topic and no one bothered them in the whole afternoon.


	3. Titles

“Lieutenant Harper, what a pleasant surprise,” Sarissa faked a cheerful greeting, making sure to smile at the blonde woman. Not that it was difficult. On the contrary, it felt the most natural thing ever. After all, the savage, uncivilized part of her was drawn to the woman. The pull was a constant companion but when they were at talking distance, Sarissa struggled to control herself. Sometimes being asari was just the best, she thought bitterly.

She hadn’t tried being overly-friendly like boy-Ryder, who got along with the commando surprisingly well. At least, they had in Pathfinder gathering. Sarissa would have thought that he was the type that annoyed the woman.

Cora glared at her in return.

“Pleasant?” the voice was colder than north-wind in Voeld. Sarissa shivered, remembering those snowy areas with nothing to shield from icy winds that cut through any clothing and ignored life-support systems. Her last mission to assault a kett base (small, sorry excuse of any sort of landing party with two barely alive Chosen left) had ended few days ago and it wasn’t enough to wipe her memory.

Dragging herself out of her nightmares, Sarissa shrugged. At least she could still fake nonchalant.

“It’s an expression.”

“I am aware of that, Pathfinder Theris.”

Ouch, titles hurt. What had she done? Well, nothing since they had barely interacted. The last time, on the Leusinia, they had been civil enough, until... well, Cora had seemed disappointed when she had learned the truth about Matriarch’s death but Sarissa hadn’t thought that it would have affected the human that much. Maybe she should see if she could learn something about Ryder’s second-in-command discreetly.

“I know. So, I heard that your team were involved in Kadara’s power struggle. Would you like to tell the whole story over drinks?” Sarissa was quite certain of the answer but asking usually didn’t hurt. Well, physically. Probably.

“Read the report, Pathfinder. I have business to attend to,” Cora answered and walked out of the Pathfinder area. Sarissa sighed. This was going to take some time.

 

*

 

“Why do you keep talking to her?” Vederia asked, having witnessed another Sarissa’s failed attempts. Not that there had been many. She couldn’t understand why her Pathfinder would be willing to talk to the human who had caused so much trouble.

Vederia didn’t think that leaving the Matriarch to die had _not_ been the best option. Sure, kett following Leusinia hadn’t been the ideal situation, but that simply showed the value of the info they had stolen. So, why was some nameless _human_ suddenly having the right to say that Sarissa should have chosen otherwise? Bloody Harper hadn’t been there.

“Why shouldn’t I?” Sarissa asked.

_‘She’s a pathetic human who can’t see your value,_ ’ was what Vederia wanted to say. Yet, her Pathfinder seemed to think that the human (who had been kicked out of asari unit!) was still worth talking to. That showed that Sarissa was so much better than Harper.

“I see no reason to talk to her. She’s awful. No wonder she was kicked out of her Commando unit,” Vederia said instead, forcing her voice as even as possible.

“She was in Commando unit?”

“You didn’t know?” Vederia was surprised.

“I had no idea.”

Vederia could see a flash of sadness dancing across Sarissa’s features. Her blood felt hot like it was boiling. Why was the wannabe commando so important? She would find out and destroy her if needed. No human should be allowed to hurt Sarissa that way.


	4. Pathfinders bonding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The 1st of May celebration is over (finally, 17 days is quite long celebration) so I have time to re-read this and avoid studying for exams. ^^ I have few new chapters checked so enjoy! I love Vederia but she's a pain to write.

Human Pathfinder – Sara Ryder – didn’t take her duties seriously. Sarissa would never say it aloud or Goddess forbid, complain about it. She was at was semi-compulsory Pathfinder meeting and attendance was as low as always. Sarissa knew that her crew was betting on attendance. Out of seven meeting that had been held after Sarissa’s introduction to all Pathfinder-related matters on Andromeda, she had attended four, Avitus two, Hayjer four and Ryder had been absent. Since Cora was sitting on Ryder’s chair, the Tempest had to be docked in Nexus. It was almost enough to make the meeting bearable.

Even if Sarissa did not appreciate Ryder’s sense of duty, the woman was more than capable. She and Tann seemed to play krogan headbutting verbally when they met. When Sarissa was lucky enough to witness it, it was always amusing. Today she only wished to escape the meeting quickly and return to her ship.

“Now that some of us are here, let’s start,” Tann said dryly, glancing at Cora and Avitus Rix. Sarissa ignored his opening speech and hoped that Vederia was listening keenly. She was more interested in her colleagues than hearing how greatly _Tann_ had served them. The salarian was too… rigid. Sarissa had read the plan for the meeting and knew that this was more formality than anything else. Tann had already decided everything, and this meeting was just to add a layer of fake democracy on his plans.

A dictator wasn’t necessarily a bad thing in dangerous times. Sarissa didn’t care that her Pathfinder status didn’t carry any real political authority. She just didn’t like these useless meetings. She had better things to do like exploring other worlds.

Cora was not looking at her at all. Sarissa was not surprised. So far, they had managed to greet another. Before the meeting, Avitus had suggested that they continued to Vortex for strategic social convention. In other words, they were going to drink and see who the first who would be insane enough to challenge some sort of human poker king for a game or a krogan for arm wrestling. Nexus was full of dangerous past-times like that. It would be fine, though. At some point, it was more than likely that Pathfinders needed to co-operate and knowing each other would benefit them all.

If they needed to embarrass themselves in order to become capable of working together... Well, Sarissa wasn't certain if she had enough pride left to feel shame. She had been judged so harshly that she was becoming numb. So what, if they hated her? Chances were that none of them died of old age.

“We need to secure our relationship with the angara first. Pathfinder Theris will be assigned on Voeld to help resistance with a newly discovered Kett research centre,” Tann droned on and Sarissa nodded hoping that this time the base wasn't as pitiful as last time. Her team had been ten days on Voeld and found a base with three half-frozen kett there. They had been cold, miserable and hated every minute on Voeld. Angaran resistance had done their best to make their lives bearable, though.

“Ryder-” everyone noticed that Tann didn’t use title when he was addressing human Pathfinder either because she had been the first or the most troublesome, “-will search for a science team on Voeld.”

“Understood,” Cora’s voice didn’t betray anything. They were heading for the same planet, but it was likely that they wouldn’t see each other.  

“No questions, you may leave,” the salarian director ended the meeting.

“Let’s hit the bar, shall we?” Avitus asked cheerfully. Vederia, being still quite innocent and cheerful, was agreeing quickly. Maidens, Sarissa chuckled to herself. Hayjer agreed quickly as well. That was surprising.

Sarissa glanced at Cora, who, for the first time during the meeting, looked back at her. They held the gaze for a moment, both silently asking if the other was okay with it. Or, well, at least Sarissa asking if Cora was okay with it and hoping that it was mutual. She couldn’t read the human well enough to know what Cora was thinking.

When the lieutenant nodded to Sarissa, the asari followed her example. Ryders – now there were two of them – would be joining them at the bar. Apparently, the male twin had woken up and doctors allowed him to follow his sister to the ‘social gathering’ briefly.

They all sat in one large table and some paired off immediately. Only Rix was bouncing from person to another. Sarissa nursed her drink and wondered why she had agreed to come. She wanted to talk to Cora, who was sitting next to Vederia, only two seats away, but it was awful idea.

“Commander, I hear that there’s some old krogan who boasts being unbeatable at arm wrestling,” Vederia informed her as emptied her fourth a cup of akantha. Obviously, the maiden thought that _Sarissa_ was going to beat him. It was a welcome reminder that not every asari hated her for abandoning the Matriarch. Only the most of them.

“Is that so?” Sarissa shook her head. Maybe it was a good time for a lesson or two. Though, her lesson could disappoint her young protégée. Lessons on honour and duty always excited maidens but lessons on real life were usually disappointing. Well, that’s life. One disappointed after another.

“Aren’t you going to challenge him?” Vederia inquired, not hiding her wistfulness well. Maiden’s innocence was adorable thing. Sarissa hated knowing that Vederia would lose that honest enthusiasm sooner or later.

Cora choked on her drink – beer possibly – and looked at them like they were insane. She glanced at the krogan in question and Sarissa followed her gaze. There, at the dimly-lighted bar next to Ryder’s male soldier human, was the krogan. The dark male human wasn’t on Leusinia and Sarissa had decided not to learn the names of Cora’s teammates. She wanted to learn them from the lieutenant.

The krogan was familiar face. Sarissa _had_ learned names and biographies of their leaders and the old warlord was superintendent Kesh’s parent. While Kesh wasn’t a warrior, Sarissa would hate to challenge her. Challenging her warlord-parent was just another name for foolish suicide.

“No,” Sarissa shrugged, acting nonchalant and not interested because it annoyed her second and that was entertaining. Vederia was too young to have honed the ability to not show her emotions and Sarissa wanted selfishly enjoy it. “Why should I?”

“He’s unbeatable.”

“Vederia, I know you’re eager to prove yourself but it’s important to learn to pick your battles. Every time you risk something dear to you, be it your people, honour or money. Remember that no one wins every battle.” She would deny it but Sarissa was thinking about her Pathfinder. She knew that she had done the right thing, but she still wished that there had been another way.

Cora looked at her oddly. So, she had been listening in. Sarissa hated how she was _always_ aware of the human commando if they were in the same area. Even now, in the bar where she was supposed to relax, a part of her kept searching for the blonde human.

Vederia looked at her, then at the krogan. Sarissa shook her head and smiled at the younger maiden. She was promising but she had still much to learn.

“And, lesson number two; know your enemy. He’s superintendent Kesh’s parent.” Sarissa hesitated a second but added, smiling, “Also, he’s a _krogan warlord_. Only a fool would challenge him to a game of strength.”

Sarissa sneaked a glance at her human. Cora’s half-hidden smile was more than worth Vederia’s annoyance and Sarissa hated it. Wasn’t her life awful enough without the added stress of a soulmate who despised her?


	5. Vederia

This time the Pathfinder get-together had somehow turned to full party that had expanded out of Vortex. It was possibly also an impromptu celebration for the alliance between angara and Initiative. The bar was still the centre of everything which meant that it was the noisiest place. Cora wasn’t hiding, precisely, she was just avoiding a permanent hearing damage and observing.

Even the 600-year travel hadn’t managed to break all barriers between species.  The smaller groups in Hydroponics and shopping area were species-specific with few exceptions.

Cora leaned towards the rail in front of the lab on the second floor and looked at the distance. She felt a bit cautious since lab-technicians had managed to grow bacteria that used huge plants of Havarl to make strong alcohol and they were “conducting sensory analyses” behind her. They seemed harmless _but_ asari commando was never supposed to let her guard down.

Andromeda’s stars were different. Cora had seen them on multiple planets. The angara had even shown her few constellations but it wasn’t the same. She missed the sky of Thessia the most. Her unit hadn’t been on the asari home world often and honestly, the way she had been treated on that planet should have left her hating the whole world. Or maybe that was the reason why she loved the starry sky so much. It was a way out, a place to explore without judgement.

“Drank too much, human?”

The blonde soldier looked towards the voice. A soft drawl of asari was easy to recognise even when the asari in question had had few drinks and spoke the common. How she wished she could speak the language of asaris more often. It felt sweeter – if one could use that to describe a language.

“Vederia,” Cora greeted cautiously, ignoring the question since it wasn’t worth of an answer. As if a commando could drink too much. She was a bit surprised by Vederia’s tone, honestly. Sarissa’s second in command had never been this hostile to her. On the Leusinia they had been rather friendly. Granted, they hadn’t tinteracted a lot after that episode. The new shift in attitude was not completely unexpected but Cora hadn’t been aware that Vederia respected her Pathfinder enough to defend her honour.

“Hope you’re happy. If you had kept her secret, she wouldn’t hurt so much,” the asari maiden said with clipped tone.

Cora didn’t need to ask who Vederia had meant. Nevertheless, keeping Sarissa’s secret would have been wrong. Besides, Sarissa had seemed to be doing rather well. She was still a Pathfinder and Cora had heard stories of her success from the angara.

Not that Cora was paying any special attention to her or anything silly like that but… If she knew Sarissa’s location (planet-wise if they were on different planets, more precisely if they were on the same planet), she could avoid her until she was ready. So, she knew that Sarissa had disappeared after Vortex had begun to fill with and Pathfinders scattered. And if Cora had been wondering why Sarissa had left, it was only because she was bored. Parties had never been her thing and watching her once-hero was only a little better than watching someone completely alien (pun intended, she had been spending too much time with Ryder).

Cora might have had interest to keep eye on Ryder but the woman was in the centre of everything and well, maybe a bit too flirty. Keeping eye on her felt uncomfortably a lot like voyeurism. If Ryder got in trouble, she should be able to handle it herself. If not, Cora would collect her from jail in the morning.

“Maybe she shouldn’t have left Matriarch Ishara to die, then,” Cora replied coolly.

“Initiative seems quite happy with Kett module she brought,” Vederia answered with equally clipped tone. Blue wisps of mass effect field were dancing and circling around her fists. “Yet… you have seen how she’s treated.”

Cora clenched her jaw so hard that it hurt and focused on _not_ letting her biotics bleed like Vederia’s. She was a true commando, she was perfectly in control of her biotics. She wasn’t going to let some green maiden annoy her.

Of course, she had seen how other asari treated Sarissa. Other asari weren’t shunning her or reacting violently. Some disapproval didn’t kill anyone. Cora knew it, and she also knew that it didn’t last long. Sarissa had been Matriarch Ishara’s tiamna. That was supposed to mean something. It should have meant more for Sarissa, whose writings on _honour_ and _duty_ were famous.

“Why are you even defending her?” Cora asked. Mostly she wanted to change the topic but a part of her was curious. Surely Sarissa could fight her own fights?

“None of your business, fake-commando,” Vederia hissed. Her cheeks had taken a slightly deeper shade, and there was no way Cora could miss it. So, feelings for her superior, eh? Cora knew that she should feel anger or at least annoyance at the asari but she could only pity her. Unrequited feelings were horrible.


	6. Leadership

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is rare case because this is continuation to earlier part. I also made up some asari culture.

“Lieutenant, a quick word before you leave, please?” Sarissa called the next day after the party at Vortex. She had heard some rumours and needed to act so she had run after Ryder’s team. They all looked at her with varying amount of distrust. Drack less than others but it seemed that the krogan was old enough to remember Citadel’s first contact with humans. He had faced tough choices and understood Sarissa’s choice while others sided with Cora by default. It was a good sign. They were a team and would defend Cora.

Cora looked at her for a moment, then at Ryder, asking for permission. The human Pathfinder nodded before Cora stepped forward. They walked a bit farther to have a semblance of privacy. SAM would always be listening, of course, but Cora had got used to it.

“What is it?” Cora asked when they were far enough. Straight to the point. Sarissa would do the same then. At least they were talking. In Sarissa’s book that was a huge step forward.  

 “I heard that Vederia was rude to you. As the head of her Commando unit, I would like to apologise on her behalf.”

Sarissa knew that Vederia had already sort of apologised. And that Cora had decided to accept it as an apology. It was probably because she seemed like a type who wasn’t  particularly fond of excessive drama. For a human that might have been enough, but Commandos worked differently, and Cora knew that. She _was_ a Commando and would always been. Once asari Commando, always asari Commando, and Sarissa would treat her as one. Rules said that superiors could offer an apology and there was no way Sarissa would ignore a change to talk to Cora.

Even if it meant that Cora had the right to challenge her to a fight to deal with the argument. Usually commandos could settle arguments without fighting. Sarissa would accept the challenge without hesitation even though she did not want to fight against the blonde. She wasn’t even confident that she could win. ON a weak moment, she had looked Cora’s service record and couldn’t understand why Cora’s commander had dismissed her.

“Thank you, Pathfinder Theris. Apology accepted,” Cora replied and smiled experimentally. It didn’t reach her eyes but it was still far better than the scowl Sarissa usually received. She smiled widely.

“I would hate to face you on a battleground, Cora Harper.”

“You’re just trying to be nice, Sarissa Theris.” Cora looked at her feet and Sarissa could see faint blush the woman was trying to hide. Why was she blushing? Sarissa had simply stated the truth.

“I am not. I saw your skills on Leusinia. You are a formidable commando,” Sarissa said evenly.

“Thank you, Pathfinder Theris.” With those parting words and a small smile, Cora walked back to her crew. A week later Sarissa heard that they had been exploring the turian homeworld. Ryder’s team was busy as always.


	7. Diary (Pathfinders bonding 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has a chat-board like the one in Tempest where crew-mates posted random stuff. I hope it's readable but if it's too confusing, please let me know and I try something else.

“Did you hear about our Pathfinder?”

“Everyone has. Too bad that director Tann allowed her to stay as a Pathfinder.”

“I know, right? We have no guarantee that she is up for the job. What if she runs away again? Or worse?”

“Indeed. Next time there she could risk the whole Initiative.”

“She’s such a disgrace!”

“Shush, she’ll hear you!”

“So?”

 

 

A group of asari went on in the Pathfinder area until Tann called them in. Cora didn’t glance up from the datapad she was reading. Her grip was already almost breaking the device. She knew that Sarissa was sitting near her. There was no way that the asari Pathfinder hadn’t also heard the conversation. Maybe that was the reason why Sarissa had barely greeted her? More and more asari had been woken up lately.

They were horrible. Cora forced herself to focus on the datapad again. Otherwise she might have done something rash like sent a blast of biotics after the nasty group.

She felt ashamed. The way she had treated Sarissa wasn't any better. She had been with Ryder when they had been faced with the choice of saving either krogan scouts or Pathfinder Raeka on the Paarchero.

The datapad she was gripping was like a collective journal and mission log of Pathfinders. It was one of Avitus’s ideas to boost communications and team spirit between Pathfinders. For some reason, Sara rarely read or wrote anything to it. Cora assumed that the reason was its location near Director Tann. Sara avoided Pathfinders’ area because of Tann and usually spent time on med bay with her brother or just wandering around, accepting missions and delivering scanned data of rocks to researchers.

Cora eyed newest entries quickly, ignoring every thread that Vederia had started. Something about the asari simply annoyed her and Cora could indulge this level of pettiness. It hurt no one.

Was her shift in attitude because she knew now that Vederia was romantically interested in her superior? They had worked well enough on Leusinia, before… oh, right. Vederia probably hated her because Sara had let her make the choice. Cora couldn’t believe how she hadn’t realised it before.

Ignoring the slight stab of guilt – the blonde still believed that the asari deserved to know how the Matriarch had died – Cora tried to turn her attention back to the datapad and not on the asari Pathfinder who was sitting so close that they could talk.

> Heading off to Voeld to help Resistance. Last time I was there, the angara taught me how to use something that translates ‘snowboard’. They use one larger or two thinner metallic pieces of scrap metal to move quickly long distances on the snow. One piece seems more popular. It’s a way to spend free time as well. See the pic.
> 
> -Avitus
> 
> [1 photo attachment]
> 
> > Looking good, Rix! Guess I know what I want to try after my next mission [Sarissa]
> 
> >> Tell me if you like it! (and pics or didn’t happen!) [Avitus]
> 
> >>> Don’t worry, Rix. I’ll be sure to take plenty of her screwing up ;) [Vederia]
> 
> >>>> Great! It was horribly difficult but I’m awesome so I mastered it. [Avitus]

 

The attached photo was of Avitus on a long piece of metal that was probably from a kett dropship. The image was a bit blurry and it looked like he was moving fast. Avitus’s entries were always like that, tiny bits of interesting facts and little to nothing about the objective of his missions.

Cora rolled eyes at Vederia’s comment and was extremely tempted to answer. She had no doubt that Sarissa could master anything she wanted. While she hadn’t forgiven the asari Pathfinder, Cora was ready to admit that she was just as skilled as rumours had always stated. If humans had done the same thing long before they could travel in space, _Sarissa_ could learn it quickly.

The next piece interested Cora. Hayjer wrote in a way that screamed salarian. His reports were short, precise and usually devoid of humour. There had been few times when he had surprised them but this wasn’t one of those times. 

 

> Hayjer reporting from Eos. Helped scientists to study local flora. Attached their report. Feel free to download it. Going to Havarl next.
> 
> [1 file attachment – Case study: MilkyWay desert and wasteland flora on Eos]

 

Cora used SAM to transfer the file on her terminal on Tempest and wrote a quick reply.

 

> > Thank you, I will read it soon [Cora]

 

Sarissa was still there, pretending to read something. Cora glanced at the asari. If all asaris were as hard as the earlier group… Maybe exposing her actions hadn’t been so good idea. But the asari _deserved_ to know. And _Sarissa_ did _not_ deserve to be judged by idiots who had _not_ been there, who knew nothing about the situation, who weren’t even soldiers. _Cora_ had had no right to expose Sarissa.

Cora gritted her teeth. She spent hours daily going through these circles of thoughts. She had been correct, then she hadn’t. Then again she had, until she hadn’t. It was maddening. Why couldn’t things and feelings be simple?

Sarissa had done awful thing and broken the code of honour she had been teaching but she looked so exhausted and defeated. No one deserved to be shunned. It was possibly even worse than betrayal. Cora could see small blue swirls of mass effect field circling her fingers that held the datapad way too tightly. Sarissa was losing control and it was Cora’s fault.

Or… Was it Cora’s fault? Was it Sarissa’s own fault for choosing to leave the Matriarch? Should they even point fingers at anyone?

Cora bit her lip. She hadn’t wanted to hurt the other commando. Well, she had, but not this much. This was getting out of control. Even after everything, Initiative needed someone like Sarissa. And Cora needed to ask if Lexi was available for talking because this whole thing was driving her insane.

“I…” Cora opened and closed her mouth, looking for words. Sarissa looked up, meeting her eyes. It felt like being thrown against a barrier. Cora tried to inhale but a krogan could be standing on her chest. Was she a commando or not? Talking was not difficult and neither was breathing!

“Sarissa, I’m so sorry. I know it means nothing but I… I never wanted this. Those asaris were awful.”

“It’s alright I guess,” Sarissa said nonchalantly. “Someone would have found out anyway. The truth has a habit of coming out at the most inappropriate moment.”

_The truth has a habit of coming out at the most inappropriate moment._ It was one of more known Sarissa’s teachings. Cora had heard and read it at least million times. Book of Truth and Honour, page 72, 2nd line.

Goddess, she was lame fangirl.

“Or you could have told them at your own terms. I took that chance away without any right,” Cora argued. Why was she arguing? Why did she feel so guilty for doing what seemed the right thing?

Why, why, _why_?

“I wouldn’t have told, not now at least. I don’t have means to control the rumours so the result would have been the same or even worse. Don’t be sorry for doing what you thought was right. I did the same.” Sarissa was in her lecturer mode. Cora had never experienced it but she had heard that Sarissa was one of the best. She had been a bit jealous back then.

“Oh, right…” Cora bit her lip sheepishly. What was she supposed to say? Sarissa wasn’t clearly expecting an apology. The silence felt awkward and she looked around for anything. Her eyes found the datapad and picture of Avitus.  “Did you try snowboarding already?”

“Wha-?” Sarissa looked surprised. Not that Cora could blame her after such an odd question. Her cheeks felt hot and insides were twisting but she held the datapad up as an explanation. “Avitus wrote about it.”

“Oh, right, that. No, I haven’t been to Voeld in a while. I think Tann likes to send me to the same planet multiple times and then move to the next one.”

“Oh... where is he sending you next? And well, I’m sure you’ll do well. It’s not difficult. You can also try same thing, surfing, on waves of water.” Cora rambled and smiled cautiously. Being nice to Sarissa didn’t mean that she had forgotten but she needed to learn how to deal with the whole mess. Besides she wanted to be nice. She wanted to do something to feel less conflicted. She hadn’t tried talking to Sarissa yet and maybe that could give answers to endless barrage of why-questions.

“Elaaden. Makes me regret that I almost complained about the cold earlier. I feel like I'm melting every time I’m on the planet. Have you tried… surfing, wasn’t it?”

“Don't I know how you feel... I've tried surfing only with my biological family…” Cora sighed, pushing those memories aside. Cora had been on Earth few times and tried both snowboarding and surfing. Her father had taken her to a beach once. It had been one of the few places where she had felt like she had belonged to something.

Most of her memories of her family were awful. They weren’t awful because she had been treated horribly. In fact, quite the opposite. A psychologist had said that the memories were tainted by how their family had fallen apart.

Snowboarding had been a thing she did with her commando unit. Now both sports reminded her of what she had lost. The pain of loss and betrayal had been enough to convince her to leave Milky Way. It seemed that she had left the most of her pain behind too.

Sarissa didn’t ask more. One of the unspoken rules that had formed after they had arrived in Andromeda was that no one pushed about Milky Way. They were still dealing with the fact that they could never see it. Many spoke about their past lives freely but some had only bad memories they would rather forget. Some hated the new galaxy and went on berserk if Milky Way was mentioned.

“What are you writing?”

“Do you want to see?” Cora offered the datapad and Sarissa put hers down before accepting it. Blue swirls had disappeared and her posture was slightly less tense. Sarissa read the newest entry quickly and chuckled. She tapped the screen for few times. 

 

> >>>>> There’s also the version where you snowboard on water (humans call it surfing). I saw a promising beach on Aya and been waiting for competent company. See you there? [Cora]
> 
> >>>>>> I think we need a short vacation on Aya. Wouldn’t want to miss lieutenant kicking your ass, Rix. [Sarissa]

 

If Cora’s steps were lighter for the rest of the day, it was definitely not because of that short, written comment. She was an adult; she didn’t need compliments from her possibly former hero. Sarissa was surprisingly good company if Cora could look past one mistake.

And she forwarded the thread to her personal computer simply because their lives were chaotic, and she might need a reminder of the surfing trip.


	8. Confrontations and realisations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just lived a week without my computer so this was on hold. It waas actually okay since I read a lot. Luckily next few chapters were ready. I think that friendship between Ryder and Cora is rather important so I also explored the balance.

“Are you okay with… her being still a Pathfinder?” Sara started awkwardly on Tempest on one day. Originally, she had come over to ask about few forms Tann insisted that they filled but they ended up talking as usual. Sara tended to linger – not that Cora minded when she had nothing urgent.

Cora focused on breathing steadily and pictured an opening flower in her mind. It was a calming technique from _Sarissa’s_ manual, and Cora was blatantly ignoring the fact. The technique was good. Her personal feelings didn’t change that. And maybe, Cora was used to that technique and mastering new one was a lot of work.

The blonde woman thought last time she had seen the asari Pathfinder at the Parthfinder headquarters. Sarissa had looked so exhausted, so… imperfect. Seeing her as a normal asari with weaknesses was still odd. She had always idolised her, put her on a pedestal and thought that, somehow, she wasn’t a person at all.

The truth had been painful and Sarissa’s choice to leave her matriarch to die was even worse. Yet info on kett was extremely valuable. Cora knew it. It was exactly like some calls Cora had seen Sara make and the realisation weighted more than anything. Sara Ryder was a great Pathfinder and Sarissa was just like her. (Cora had hated Sara at first, too.)

“I’m… okay with it. It’s still odd to be around her,” Cora admitted hesitantly. She was afraid that Sara would ask her reasoning when she wasn’t ready to share. Not yet, at least. She liked Sara and even respected her, but she didn’t want to talk about this with the young woman. Not when she hadn’t figured it out herself.

Cora could say no and Sara would respect that but Cora was aware that she needed to tell something to stop Sara from worrying. Sara grinned at her and Cora knew that she was going to joke about it. Oddly, she didn’t mind much.

“Never meet your heroes, right?”

“Right,” Cora smiled at her. That was true, at least. And, Cora might deny it, but Sara’s smile was infectious. “At least we are talking.”

“So, was she your asari-crush?”

“Sara!” Cora groaned. Peebee had teased her about the same thing. “Not you too.”

“What?” Sara laughed, “even every straight girl has one. And, you know, I did read about Pathfinders having a beach party on Aya. It might not be one-sided, if you, you know, want to try.”

“I’m not going to answer that,” Cora huffed and rolled her eyes. She hoped that she wasn’t blushing too hard. While assumptions always annoyed her, she wasn’t exactly comfortable either. “Just because I don’t do workplace relationships, that doesn’t mean that I’m straight. Assuming anything is rude.”

Sara looked absolutely gobsmacked for a moment. Cora made a mental note to ask if SAM had video of this and if she could get a picture of Sara’s expression. Sara recovered fast, grinning mischievously again. Cora knew her well enough to not take next words too seriously.

“Then I’d have a chance if we weren’t working together?”

“Nope,” Cora teased back. “You may be nice to look at but the moment you open your mouth…”

She tried to ignore how her heart pounded against her ribcage and palms felt sweaty. What if she screwed this? This oddly easy friendship that had appeared out of nowhere and without a proper warning? She and Sara just… had clicked, it seemed. She didn’t want to offend her Pathfinder now that she started to like her enough to call her a friend.

“Shut it. I’m totally awesome.” Thank Goddess, Sara laughed. Cora was happy that she was sitting because the relief would have floored her. She quickly schooled her features. Who knew that teasing was so difficult?

After few weeks with her new teammates friendly teasing, she had started to pick up something. It was still difficult, though. Sometimes all she could think was how mean some words sounded even if tone wasn’t hurtful. It was like her childhood and prejudice in her unit all again.

“Of course you are, Pathfinder,” Cora replied dryly and rolled her eyes. Alex would have never teased her this way. They were always professional, chain of command had always been clear. It had been so easy. Sara, on the other hand, was being _friendly_.

“But it seems that _I’m_ not the Pathfinder you want,” Sara teased. The Pathfinder was enjoying this annoyingly a lot.

“You’re not going to drop that, are you?” Cora asked for confirmation although she was nearly certain what the answer would be. Yet she didn’t feel too annoyed when Sara or others teased her about Sarissa anymore. She knew that Sara would offer an ear if she ever needed one. It was odd and nice at the same time.

“You know it.” 

“Peebee’s been rubbing off on you,” Cora sighed without paying attention to her words much. When Sara turned few shades redder, Cora groaned. Yup, a double-entendre that she had obviously missed. It wasn’t even first time. _Why_ was she surrounded by such horny teenagers?

(Not that she minded that much. Sara wasn’t Alex and Cora didn’t mind having _friends_ even if it was complicated.)


	9. Worries and labels

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sad fact: the work-name was simply 'Getting hurt'.

“What happened to you?” Cora blurted out. She wished she could slap herself. Where were her manners? Surely, she should have been capable of behaving like a rational adult and greet the other person first.

Apparently not.

Sarissa was sitting at the Pathfinder headquarters, holding the diary-datapad. Her both hands were bandaged from fingertips to shoulders. In addition, her left cheek was bandaged and when she stood up, Cora noticed instantly that she favoured her right leg.

“Nothing serious,” Sarissa answered nonchalantly. She limped to drink replicator and waved her hand over it, activating it with her omni-tool. A sweet smell of yelet spread around.

Cora raised an eye-brow but decided to let it be. If Sarissa didn’t want to tell, she wasn’t going to push. Instead, she sat on another chair and started filling requisition orders that she should have already filled. She had been distracted and busy.

Thanks to one Sara Ryder, Cora felt like she had been subjected to two weeks of constant teasing. Even _Vetra_ had asked if her shattered admiration had been more than that. By far, the worst had been Drack who had started to give tips how to bed an asari. Naturally, in front of everyone. In a landing pod, with 10-hours walk to the highest areas of Mithrava Ascent waiting for them. Thank Goddess Drack didn’t have enough advice to keep talking the whole climb. Cora wasn’t sure if she had survived the trip if he had had.

Peebee and Sara had been laughing through the lesson while Cora had never been so embarrassed. Why couldn’t they believe that she wasn’t interested in Sarissa? Or in asari generally? She wanted to be left alone with the subject. It was complicated,

Cora had never labelled herself like that. Well, at least not after she had joined commandos which meant more than her pre-human life. Since the asari was a monogendered race, labels like male, female, gay and straight weren’t necessary. Sure, they had terms for those who preferred turians, krogans, humans, salarians and other asari but they meant less than in human society. Cora had loved that. She hadn’t needed to label herself at all back then. She hadn’t needed to think herself as a human either.

Then she had joined – unwillingly, at first – the Initiative. She had wanted to be with commandos, but _they_ didn’t want her. Alex Ryder had become her rock, someone who wasn’t scared of her or prejudiced bigot. When he died, Cora was forced to learn a new position again.

With Alex – and mostly human crew that spent a lot of time together – labels reappeared. Suddenly Cora had to face tons of labels in her daily life. Changing rooms and bathrooms being the most prominent example of labelling. She adapted to that quickly. Humans cared about genders.

Worse was when Alex’s daughter was flirting with her (and rest of the crew) so Cora pulled away. She wasn’t interested in romance with someone whom she could not trust. In addition, she wasn’t interested in humans. They had only brought her pain and hate. She wasn’t interested in oddly informal Peebee either. Out of everyone, Vetra was the only possibility and yet, Cora couldn’t see it happening in an alternative universe where they didn’t work together.

Now everyone kept bringing up her former hero. Sarissa’s writings had taught her so much. They had influenced her through years. She had grown up – kind of – hearing stories about Sarissa Theris, the heroic commando. But it couldn’t be more.

_Was she your asari-crush?_

Cora stole another glance at the asari who had been invading her mind somewhat regularly for the last weeks and forced to look at her in romantic light. Sarissa was… pretty. Nice to look at? Attractive? Beautiful, possibly? Cora didn’t know the proper adjective. She wasn’t ugly, that’s for sure, or unappealing. If Cora liked casual sex, Sarissa would be an option.

There was this odd nervous feeling in her chest when she saw Sarissa. The million credit question was, was it because of the lingering betrayal, because she was crushing on the asari or was it just something else? Cora didn’t know. Her crewmates – friends, although the label felt still foreign to her – seemed to vote for the second option. Was this no smoke without fire situation or were they simply teasing her? Why had Ryder forced her to think about attractiveness?

“So, err, how have you been?” Cora asked feeling extremely awkward. Sarissa looked surprised, then she smiled at her. If Cora felt like she was falling like in extremely rough landing, it was only because she was talking common with asari and it was odd.

(Even if she felt it only after Sarissa smiled at her.)

Cora got up and walked to the replicator and ordered a yelet as well. Requisition orders could wait. Lexi had suggested that she tried talking to Sarissa and Cora was planning to follow the doctor’s advice.

“Well, pretty busy. It’s a long story,” Sarissa replied. Cora recognised a way out when she faced one. It didn’t matter. She wanted to hear the story. She could decide later if she was attracted to asari. This was just professional or polite curiosity.


End file.
